No, I'm not dead, but I have been incredibly awful about posting.
Not entirely sure why…but here’s my attempt at an explanation.
Ever since I got my new job, I have not only been caught up in actual work (during my tenure at my last gig I was so fucking bored that I would spend most of my time bullshitting online and/or commenting on gawker) but have found myself less inclined to write. That saddens me a bit. I'm happy that I have found something to keep me properly entertained - and PAID - all day, but am disheartened at the fact that I have no overwhelming compulsion to air my dirty laundry and say my peace via this blog.
Some of me sees nothing wrong with this - chalks it up to finally being satisfied on a daily basis and free of the desire to seek something more.
And yet, that's exacly what the other part of me is sickened by - the thought that a demanding job is leaving me free of seeking something more.
It's true that I come home much happier than I did before, end my days without feeling that I may have wasted my day. Yet much of my recent time as a copywriter left me hungry to write the prose dictated by ME - not that which was demanded by a client. And now that no one is insisting I write, I feel less inclined to search for what it is I am really yearning to say.
Practically speaking, I haven't been able to blog. Ever since I moved into Mr. Ella's apartment I haven't had an internet connection. But now I do. He bought me a laptop this Christmas and now I have no technical excuses. If I want to blog, I can. So you can’t blame me too much for being absent – it’s been a full 4 months since I’ve had a computer at home (and no, I never blog at work).
But I cannot stop there. After all, there are two other excuses for me not writing.
Number One: My future father-in-law is likely reading this.
So here’s the deal. When I was published in Time Out New York, my proud (and somewhat overzealous) boyfriend told his parents about my column. His father ended up reading my article which, in and of itself, isn’t all that bad. However, whether you read a hard copy or an online version of my article, you are left with an address that sends you to this blog. Because it’s always been an anonymous blog, I had no problem listing it in the byline. But I never thought it would be read by anyone as important as my (hopefully) future father-in-law. Now while most of my recent posts have been tame, many of my earlier ones are extremely explicit – written when I was writing for a completely faceless and nameless audience. Knowing that people know who I am has rendered me
near-silent, unsure of whether I can truly post the intimate thoughts I really want to.
Number Two: My private life is much more precious to me.
For the first time in - ok maybe - ever, I am absolutely, 100% in love. This blog was created – in a large part – to write about experiences that (while I am not ashamed of) were never important enough NOT to write about. But now I find myself in a relationship, a real grownup relationship that is becoming so sacred, I don’t really want to discuss the intimate details. However I worry that such prose is precisely what my (albeit few) readers expect, and that without hot and heavy stories about sex, they will find themselves bored and with little reason to come back. After all, my voice thus far has largely been appreciated for the candor in which I have approached my sexuality, the frankness in which I have shared stories that most of us keep private.
Now that I don’t have such tales, what should I write about? Politics? Celebrities? Religion? I’d like to, but I’m not sold on the fact that anyone will be reading.
16 comments:
i will keeping reading. i think your writing is beautiful, no matter what the topic. and the sex-blogger trend is kinda over anyway. you were one of the greats but now that so many others are doing it too, maybe it is time to move beyond it. also, i really really like when you write about how much you enjoy and respect mr. ella. not that you've gone into detail about it, but you've written things here and there that are quite touching. didn't you say he is a republican? write about that!
i feel like that has always been the joke amoung bloggers...once we find actual lives we will stop blogging....and i think that is very true, if you have a boring life/job you blog, if not, you dont have time too...i say dont worry about it too much and write what you want, what you need to say, dont worry about mr ella's father and just be satisfied that you are satisfying yourself!
if you write well about sex, you will also write well about anything else you care to write about
If you write well, which you do, people will read it. As you evolve, your writing should naturally progress, too. We know you have lots of great sex. Let us know about the other parts of your life. =+)
And also, as your friend, I think that you're amazingly talented but you're always looking for excuses not to write. It's very easy to find them. Force yourself to do it. And I mean this in the most constructive way possible.
i concur with all of the above: you have a great voice, you're insightful, keep writing, etc.
i'm also pretty pleased that you have some respect for the notion of privacy and its benefits (in direct opposition to your partner from said TONY column)
I know what you mean. At the beginning of my relationship, I wrote copious amounts of effusive, explicit erotic poetry, which I eagerly shared with my friends and with anyone else who was interested.
However, as my (now-13-year) relationship progressed, writing about the sex-drenched motivations that fueled it seemed like something akin to a sacrilege.
I also agree with what taylay said, in that salacious/confessional blogging is commonplace these days. Just write about whatever inspires you to write, when you feel like it!
Your Gawker comments are always perfectly pithy. I trust that whatever you share with your 'readership' will be authentic and from the heart.
Your writing itself has always been what has kept me coming back. Because its gritty and real - regardless of the topic.
Glad to hear you're still in one piece, Ms. Ella, and I find your "coming out" dilemma interesting. With friends, co-workers, and family reading my blog, there's a lot I can't write about, and I've always hated it. The fact that so many people have checked in here after your extended absence should tell you that you have a pretty loyal audience, regardless of what you decide to write about. And imho, you should write for yourself, not for a readership.
My girlfriend told her family about my last blog, and totally RUINED it for me for much the same reasons. I couldn't be myself.
When my boyfriend and i got back together i stopped writing about my sexpoits, and Irish sort of followed suit (although there is the occasional mention of hooking up- there aren't any deets)
And honestly, we have fewer comments some of the time, but more readers. Write about what you feel for you- not your audience. That's why the blog is great, you're not getting paid for it so you have no one to impress. We'll come along for the ride. Have faith ;)
-Jew
Ella, I've said it before but regardless of topic you just have a knack for drawing the reader in. Yours is an incredible voice. I am pleased that you are fulfilled in career and love, and I'm sure your other readers are too. Reading about your contentment is just as cool as reading the antics of your former heydays. Whatever you decide to do, know that we'll be here.
ps- even college callgirl posts about random life shit most of the time now, and i still read that blog all the time :) confidence, fool!
-J :)
Readers, like water, will find their own level. As for you, be yourself, but most of all, just be happy.
Hell, I'd trade my eleventy million blogs for being 100% in love any day.
(Well, I might keep one secret blog.)
PS: As much as we'd all like to know more about Fella Good, JA has taught me a lot about valuing one's private life, and I suspect you as well. Hold tight to the precious - nobody's going to fault you for that.
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