Piss Off

Every once in awhile, I feel the need to bore other people with a litany of items/people/places that I can’t stand. Why? Because I no longer pay for therapy.

So here, in no particular order, are a bunch of things/people that bug the shit out of me. I hope they inspire hate in your hearts too.

1. This Shoe Style

I would rather fuck Harvey Keitel than look like Holly Hunter in The Piano. Can somebody seriously tell me why designers are recreating the shoe wardrobe of Jane Eyre? I get the suppressed male fantasy of wanting to screw a Salem witch, but this is just ridiculous. They aren’t sexy and they sure as hell don’t look comfortable. Yes, yes, I’m sure my ass will cave and buy a pair because I work at a sorority house, but I will hate myself with each step I take.

2. The Never-Ending Summer

It’s almost October and it was close to 90 degrees in NYC this week. This needs to stop. First of all, I am sick of wearing the same clothes I have been sporting for 5 months. Secondly, I don’t like to sweat unless I am in bed. Summer is cool for about 2 months and then, by July, I am sick of it. Autumn is so beautiful in New York. The leaves, the roasted nuts (seriously, if you live outside NY and have never had NUTS4NUTS, you should cry yourself to sleep tonight), and the sweaters that hide my fat stomach. I want all of these things…now.

3. Melted Butter

Ok, I’m not sure if anyone will relate to me here, but there is something happening to me each morning that blackens my heart before 9:30 AM. Each morning, I order a toasted sesame bagel with butter on the side. The FUCKING ASSHOLES put the butter in with the steaming hot bagel (not with the coffee or peaches ‘n cream shake) so by the time it gets to me, there is butter DRIPPING everywhere. I know this is a very Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm thing, but it drives me insane.


4. The Sex and The City Movie

Seriously, someone tell me why? Well, I know why…it’s because the women can’t find any steady work now and need to make money somehow. (Yes, I know SJP is the spokeswomen for, like, everything…HEY, my computer just changed “spokes whore” to “spokeswomen” - WTF - but still, she needs to prove she can still act in something.) Anyway, mark my words that this film is going to be panned and will soil whatever is left of the series’ honor. I literally grew into adulthood watching this show and it was painful to watch even back then as I kept thinking that “Wow, this is going to be my miserable life in my 30s. It will be filled with nothing but heartache, desparation and terrible clothes.” Now, I am finally hopefully (after meeting Mr. Right and getting over my Mr. Big) that my life won’t be awful during the next decade, and this movie is going to come along and shit all over how fabulous I think my 40s will be. NO THANK YOU. (And note to Jennifer Hudson: not a smart followup to an Oscar, my friend.)

5. Celebrity DUIs

Keifer Sutherland is just the latest douche driving his drunk ass around. Listen, I know that DUIs will always happen. But they are supposed to be limited to moron guidos in NJ and LI who need to learn their lessons before they even turn 21. (That’s not a good thing, but those are the only types of dickheads that have an excuse.) If you are a millionaire, you have absolutely NO EXCUSE for getting behind the wheel while intoxicated. Call a cab. No, better yet, CALL A FUCKING HUMMER. You have the money. Someone is going to die because of this carelessness and it really pisses me off.

6. The View

Why is this show still on the air? Watching The View is like being forced to sit with all the old, bitter divorcees at a wedding. All they do is piss and moan and argue about BULLSHIT. At least when Rosie was on, they debated things with substance from time to time. Now it just gives men justification for trading in their old crusty wives for something younger and quieter.

7. Celebrity Scents

Usher. Diddy. Mariah. Why do I want to smell like these people (or smell like something that attracts them)? This trend has got to stop. Your fragrance is the most personal part of your beauty/grooming routine and to stoop to this level of tackiness is just plain sad. If you like these people, invest in their music. See their movies. Don’t fall victim to marketing hype. After all, do you think that Britney has even smelled her latest fragrance? CAN she even smell anymore?

I have a ton more, but I have aggravated myself with just these seven. But, just so you don’t think I don’t hate EVERYTHING, here is a quick list of things/people I LURVE:

1. The Girls Next Door - This show does not get old to me. I love these hoes and want more! Especially Holly.
2. Puppies - Any puppy, all puppies. I love puppies! Come on, admit it, you do too.
3. QVC - Yup, I said it. AND I just bought diamond earrings from them last week. They are beautiful. And, yes, REAL. Screw you if you want to laugh. There is nothing more fabulous than being drunk on Merlot and ordering diamonds with your cellphone.
4. Pickles - Pickles just rock.
5. Blueprint Magazine - Yes, I am getting old and domestic. I like reading about home furnishings and studying recipes that I will never make.
6. Jenna Fisher - She’s Pam on The Office and she is just plain awesome. Adorable, self-deprecating and hysterical.
7. Dlisted.com - Funnier celeb gossip than Perez Hilton. HANDS DOWN.
8. Jeopardy! - Still awesome after all these years. Even if Mr. Ella is always better than me.
9. My Old College Roommate - She wrote me a very sweet email today telling me how much she enjoys my blog. Plus, she would leave the room and sleep elsewhere when I had to get my sex on during the late 90s.
10. The Color Purple - No, not the book, movie or musical. Just the color.

The Big Move

In three weeks, I will be moving in with my fella. Anyone who knows me knows this is a big fucking deal. Ella has never lived with a fella and really loves her time alone. But, the stars seem to be aligned (plus, paying two rents is pretty stupid at this point) so I am taking the co-habitation plunge. I’ve been spending a lot of time cleaning up my place and packing my things, which is filling me with tons of emotion. After all, this is MY place, MY first place, the place where I set up shop as a full-fledged adult 5 years ago. And now, this particular chapter is coming to a close.

I decided to move out of my parents’ house in 2002 after my ex from college and I decided to end our relationship. He had done a pretty good job of stomping on my ambitions (he’s from an affluent family and found my desire to make money disgusting…I found his lack of ambition to be a complete turn-off) and within a month of our breakup I decided it was time to start MY LIFE. And so, I marched into Citi Habitats and took the first place they showed me - a fully refurnished apartment in Alphabet City. For a girl who suffered panic disorder from the age of 11 this was a huge turning point. Not only was I going to leave the comfort of my parents’ home, but I was going to live ALONE in the East Village. HOLY SHIT…

As I’ve been packing, many memories have been flooding my head. Here’s just some:

1. My First Night - Sometime in September 2002, I spent my first night here. I remember walking home from work and stopping at 7A to have dinner - ALONE. I ate, read the Village Voice and went back to my apartment for the first time. I took a shower, laid down on my futon (minus frame…I never did get the frame) and read a book (I think it was More…Now…Again by Elizabeth Wurtzel). I had no TV, no stereo (this was before iPods…holy fuck) and just stared out the window at the Empire State Building. I was here. In New York City. Living the dream. On my own. It was overwhelming.

2. Fourth of July 2005 - July Fourth has always been my second favorite holiday. I always spent it in the Bronx, with friends and family, and - for the first time (with the exception of my year in Disney) I was alone. I got a 6-pack and some Camel Lights and sat on my fire escape, watching the fireworks from afar. Tears started streaming down my cheeks as I saw them light up the sky. Once again, I thought, here I am in New York City…on my own…needing no one….wanting no one…enjoying life, my life.

3. Sex, Drugs and Rock ’n Roll - I never partied or slept around in college. In fact, I was pretty prudish (if you can believe that). All that changed when I moved into this apartment. I felt liberated, in control, and free of all the trepidation that had held me back before. After all, if I brought a man or an eight ball here I was bringing it to MY APARTMENT…so I set the rules. And so, this apartment is where I re-discovered my sexuality (with men, with women, with multiple partners) and re-claimed the youth I didn’t get to experience in college. Living alone set me free and helped me define MY LIFE, MY LIMITS, MY NEEDS. There is no price you can put on that.

4. Writing - Whether it was 9 am or 9 pm, this apartment has always served as the ultimate place for prose, the place where I have always retreated to in order to collect my thoughts. It’s where I’ve written all of this blog, where I’ve written all the chapters of my (hopefully published one day) book. It’s the place where my thoughts are free to roam uncensored and uninterrupted. And this is the only thing I will miss.

Sometimes I wonder if I should really be leaving all these fond memories behind. Am I ready to give up my personal space and share it with another? I think the answer is yes. After all, I can still dine alone; don’t want to spend another 4th of July by myself; and love partying with my beau. Plus, we met as a result of this blog. I finally met a man who loves to read what I write more than I do, a man who encourages me to write more than any other man I’ve ever known. And so, while he may be in the other room as I write these thoughts in the near future, he’ll leave me alone as I do it. That’s the reason I know it will work - because he understands that the time we spend apart is just as important as the time we spend together.

Emmy Schmemmy

For once, I actually WISH I had gone to my fella’s place to WATCH FOOTBALL. What was this abortion of a show I just spent hours watching? I know I usually write about sex, so I think I can get away with blogging about this because I feel like FOX just fucked me and everyone else who tuned in…

First, the LOWLIGHTS:

1. The censorship. In the past, every awards show has suffered the wrath of being live and with brass balls has aired the verbal faux pas and/or simply bleeped out just one word. But not FOX. The channel that made its mark with the sexist (albeit hysterial) Married…With Children and other wholesome family values programming like Temptation Island and Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire decided instead to fade to black and deprive the public from words and sentiments that don’t fit the conservative viewpoint of its stockholders. The cut Ray Romano, Sally Field and - I believe - David Chase off in such an insulting manner that I’m surprised they didn’t have Joely Fisher wear a burka instead of her very revealing gown. But wait…Joely stars on a FOX sitcom…so jokes about nipples and breast milk were more suitable than statements about war. I’m surprised they didn’t edit Al Gore’s entire acceptance speech. Between this and their blatant dismissal of the democratic party’s response to the President’s speech the other night has me questioning whether I will ever tune in to FOX again.

2. James SPAYDER and not James GANDOLFINI? Are you fucking kidding me? I like James Spayder. Actually, NO, I love James Spayder (Secretary is one of the best movies of all time) and I think he’s an amazing actor. But his campy performance does not even remotely measure up to the god-like work of Gandolfini's. He was robbed of this award and I can only hope that the Golden Globes redeem this fuck-up come January. What Gandolfini has done over the past whatever many years has been thought-provoking, disturbing, and, above all, moving. Not honoring him is a disservice to the medium of television.

3. America Ferrera. I’m rather biased here because I am not a fan. I’ve seen Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants and suffered through 5 minutes of the horrific Ugly Betty and do not understand why she is continually honored. My only thought - and I know this sounds terrible - is that she is being honored so that the entertainment industry can say they salute latinas and minorities in general. She does not possess the comedic gifts of those she consistently defeats for the awards. And that is not a white/non-white issue, but simply the truth.

4. The Brits. I LOVE Helen Mirren. I aspire to be as sexy as she is when I am over 50 (or is it 60). I also love Ricky Gervais. His appearance on The Tonight Show several months ago was more brilliant than most of what is on broadcast television. But, dammit, I want Americans to win during American award shows. Ok, ok, Ricky won for an HBO show, but Helen won for a show that is a true import, and not something produced in America. I’m not sure who should have won in Helen’s category because I have not seen any of those performances, but if you ask me, both Charlie Sheen (yes, I admit, I LOVE Two and a Half Men) and Steve Carrel were robbed.

5. The Westerns. I love Thomas Hayden Church and Robert Duvall. They both excel in their craft. However, honoring the western genre has to come to an end. I don’t know anyone who has seen Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee or Broken Trail. Yes, the western is a true slice of Americana, but it is a recycled genre that is in no way paving new ground on television. The stories are pretty much the same, movie after movie, and I think it’s time for a boycott. I mean, seriously, does Aiden fucking Quinn do anything but period pieces anymore?

6. The Jersey Boys Tribute to The Sopranos. To put it simply, that was the gayest tribute I could imagine. I’m sure The Jersey Boys on its own is entertaining theater, but if you really wanted to honor the greatest television show of all time, all you had to do was show highlights. Watching Carmela and Tony fight over “You’re Just Too Good To Be True” was both creepy and awkward. Thank God the entire cast came out at the end for the tribute they so deserve. (I have to ask though, was Drea DeMatteo there? I didn’t see her.)

7. Ray Romano. I admit, and I don’t care how cheesy I am, but I do enjoy watching Everybody Loves Raymond. In fact, I also like Ray Romano’s standup. However, having him come out to do a set was weird and uncomfortable. They announced he was coming out to give an award and then he kept going and going. You couldn’t help but think he was fucking up and not supposed to be continuing. But the saddest part of the whole thing was realizing he was just there to promote Patricia Heaton’s new FOX show. So FUCKING LAME.

8. Kanye West. “KANYE WEST DOESN’T CARE ABOUT SELLING OUT.” Here’s the thing - white boys, black boys, white girls, black girls, and every other shade/sex LOVES you. We are going to buy your albums because you create some of the best music around. So why, why, do you have to act like such a douche? Sure, the little “Do You Know the Lyrics?” skit was kinda cute, but only because Rainn Wilson is so fucking brilliant. Please, Kanye, just stop with the promotional bullshit. We all know you and Fitty are fucking around with this whole “selling albums war” and that you are trying to garner press by pretending to really care about an MTV award. But you don’t need to do this. Just perform. You can rest your laurels on your talents alone. And not many people can do that nowadays.

9. Mary Louise Parker. I LOVE her and I LOVE Weeds. But why was she acting like such a BITCH all night? From the red carpet to presenting an award, she looked not just stoned (which, ok, cute, is maybe in character) but annoyed to be there. Pop some Wellbutrin or something next time sweetie, because your attitude was disgusting.

10. Tony Bennett and Christina Aguliera. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. That was so friggin’ boring. Nothing really more to say. However, I do commend you, Christina, for NOT announcing your pregnancy and keeping it quiet. It’s classy to keep your private life private in this day and age.

11. Not announcing John Goodman’s win. YES, JOHN GOODMAN won for his guest appearance on Studio 700 (or whatever) on the Sunset Strip. However, they FORGOT to announce it during the telecast. If you know ella personally, you know that her favorite show of all time is Roseanne. So I absolutely ADORE John Goodman and am so happy that he finally won an Emmy. (Honestly, he never won for all his years playing Dan Connor [although he did win a Golden Globe].) It’s a shame they didn’t announce his win just because he wasn’t there.

12. The Amazing Race. Come the fuck on. 4 years in a row this bullshit show has won. Please raise your hand if you watch it. I know NO ONE (except my douchebag ex-boyfriend) who watches this. Why do they keep awarding it??? WHY????

The HIGHS
1. Tina Fey. Tina Fey. Tina Fey. First of all, her AMEX commercials are hysterical. Her acceptance speech - pure brilliance. Only recently (thanks to mr. Ella) have I been tuning into the comical work of art that is 30 Rock. It is genius and it is all thanks to this WOMAN. As a person with a vagina that has always dreamt of being a comic, she inspires me.

2. The Macy*s Commercials. I have to say, I usually change the channel when commercials come on, but the Macy*s commerial (the full-length one) after the first break held my attention. Kimora. Martha. Donald. Jessica. Emeril. Etc. It was funny, entertaining, and pretty fucking brilliant. I still won’t be shopping at Macy*s (I’m too pretentious) but that spot is what commercial advertising is supposed to be.

3. Ryan Seacrest. I’ll be the first to admit that I can’t really stand this little ‘mo. I think it’s just because I wish he would come out already (although his little Tudors sketch seemed like a bit of a homo confession to me), but I have to say, I think he did an amazing job as host. He was pretty fucking funny and by being a bit self-effacing, I thought he shut up all the critics (including myself) who shook their heads when he was given the job. I actually think that by NOT trying to be the star of the show he was one of the best hosts they have had in a long time. He pretty much cemented himself as a cultural icon tonight by being a cultural observer. Kudos.

4. The Opening Number. Just hysterical. Anything Seth MacFarlane does is genius and this was no exception. It was entertaining, it was funny and it set the tone for the night. While I don’t agree that the tone should have been as trashy and FOX-like as was, it was very, very funny and I think it was one of the better parts of the evening.

5. Jeremy Piven. Ok, I think Rainn Wilson shoulda won because he is truly the most brilliant comedic actor on television since Jason Alexander. However, I love me some Jeremy Piven…in all his trashy glory. And, if Rainn had to lose to anyone, it should be to Jeremy.

6. Elaine Stritch and Stanley Tucci. Two of my favorite comedic performers of all time on one stage. Just fucking fabulous. I absolutely ADORE Elaine Stritch and think everyone should take as much advantage of her as they can as she enters old age. She is irreverent, inappropriate, and just plain god-like. As for Stanley, he was not only the best part of The Devil Wears Prada, but is a friend of mr. Ella’s. So he deserves all the accolades he gets…even if they are on Monk.

7. Katherine Hiegl’s correction of her name. I’m not a huge fan of Katherine’s but that’s just because I can’t watch the shitfest that is Grey’s Anatomy. I’m sure I will love her more as soon as I see Knocked Up. However, I noticed that they mispronounced her name and then saw that she mouthed (to whoever she presented with) “they said my name wrong.” I didn’t think she would do anything about it, but when she got up there and brazenly said, “it’s ‘HI-GUL”,” I thought it was fabulous. Ella has a last name that is near-impossible as well (in fact, mr. Ella struggles to say it right…haha), so I really appreciated her move.

8. The Sopranos win. THANK GOD. James Gandolfini, Edie Falco, Lorraine Bracco, and Michael Imperioli were fucking ROBBED of their respective awards. But thank god the academy awarded this show with exactly what it deserved. It still makes me sad to think I will never see another new episode of The Sopranos again. Every moment of every episode of that show was like good sex/good blow/good food. It was like a weekly extension of Goodfellas - the BEST MOVIE EVER MADE - and I hate that it is now off the air. However, I have recently found that going back and watching any old episode is like a gift being re-given all over again. When you know what is going to happen to so many of the characters, you care even more. That’s what makes the show so relevant, so important and so everlasting. Each time you watch an episode, you learn something new, feel something new, and gain something new. It’s not TV, it’s not HBO, it’s as close to live back-in-the-day Shakespeare as we will ever get.

9. Heidi Klum and Seal. Rather than closing on The Sopranos, I thought I would end on the most beautiful couple in all of Hollywood. I swear that whenever I see these two, my belief in true and everlasting love is reaffirmed. No matter where they are or what they are doing, they always look like honeymooners. They cannot keep their hands or gazes off one another and you cannot help but feel the love between them. It’s so raw, real, and moving that it overshadows most anything else broadcast. I absolutely live for seeing these two together and, at the end of a night with many a disappointment, they shine and blind you with what’s really important…not an Emmy, not an acceptance speech but LOVE.

Self-Medicating

Today started like any other morning. I kept re-setting my alarm until I finally couldn’t avoid getting out of bed one minute longer (seriously…I have to be at work at 9 and I get out of bed at 8:32 or so). Managed to find something cute to wear, brushed my teeth, combed my hair and started to head out the door. I usually grab the doorknob without looking and slam it shut behind me. And that I did. But this morning, fate decided that my left middle finger should stay in between the door and the door frame. I looked back to free it and saw blood everywhere…all over my hand and covering the doorknob.

Sadly, I wasn’t even hungover so I had absolutely no excuse for this fuck up. I raced back into my apartment and ran my finger under water in my bathroom sink…all the while watching a good chunk of the tip of my finger blowin’ in the (wet) breeze. I managed to curb the bleeding, wrap it in three band-aids and hop into a cab to go to work. Got there and the throbbing pain was just too unbearable for words. Finally some co-workers with sanity convinced me to go to the ER.

Walked over to Beth Israel (where I really should have my own wing as I have had wrist and double hip surgery there over the last several years) to the ER. They gave me an x-ray (normal) and then (fortunately) just cleaned it up (no stitches). But then, just when I thought the coast was clear, this cute little blonde nurse came in with a needle to give me a TETANUS SHOT. Ok, ok…I know it’s a good thing to get one of these bad boys (I can now walk in fields barefoot and not worry about rusty nails…‘cuz, you know, that’s what New Yorkers do) but, um, is it necessary for these shots to leave such a painful impression? I am sitting home on a Friday night with an arm that is THROBBING in pain (after 5 drinks, mind you) and can barely move. What the fuck?

So, yeah, I was gonna give you all a good story but I’m in way too much pain to muster up something sexy and interesting. This sucks. Plain and simple. I think I’m gonna go shoot myself with a nail gun. At least I won’t get tetanus…

I Know...I Know

ella misses you.
ella misses writing on her blog.

so, she is making a new year's resolution very early and is vowing to write at least three times a week now.

i've been insanely busy with work and freelancing stuff.

then mr. ella and i went to new orleans for a week. just got back sunday.

so much has been happening and i have a lot to say.

so i promise you, you will see updates this week and we will be back to our regularly scheduled blogging beginning over these next few days.

i had been feeling a bit uninspired as of late, but going to new orleans has reignited my flame.

i vow to you all that i will be posting every few days.

today does not count.

come back tomorrow. i'll have a good story for you.

love,
ella