Time Out, New York

I’ve gotten quite a lot of emails as to why I haven’t made one mention of my recent column in Time Out New York. Honestly, I didn’t know what to say. “Vote for me!” seemed a bit tacky. “Read my column!” sounded a bit desperate. So I said nothing.

Yes, I am proud of it. After all, I’ve never been published in anything with that high a circulation before. But to be frank, I didn’t think it was my best work. It wasn’t full of sarcasm; it wasn’t dirty; it wasn’t as comprised of my personal experiences as I would have wanted it to be. Julia Allison picked the topic – which was totally fine by me as it is, after all, HER column – but it was a topic I didn’t really know how to explore. It’s not as though I have never waited to have sex with someone, but I have never really actively engaged in a serious level of restraint with someone I really, really cared about.

(Note: My column actually ended with the sentence “Good things don’t necessarily come to those who wait to, um, well, you know what I mean.” In print it read, “Good things don’t necessarily come to those who wait.” But it was edited for space, and I understand that [hell, I am a former publicist].)

But I want to go on record to say that I do not hate Julia Allison. My comments on Gawker have definitely been sarcastic, bitchy and non-complimentary, but it’s not because I personally hate the woman (I have always assumed that Gawker comments were something of a roast, not something said to personally attack someone…I have since come to see that I am wrong). In fact, I don’t even know her. I guess those comments stem from the fact that I see someone getting a ton of publicity for just being rather than for writing. And, as someone who wants nothing more than to be a published author (especially one with a weekly forum read by thousands of New Yorkers), I guess I am just jealous. There, I said it.

Many of the people who have emailed me have inquired about the poll that pitted myself against Julia. (I won 800+ votes to 300+ votes.) They have asked why I have not replaced her as the TONY columnist since I won. I have no answer for this. I didn’t even know there was going to be a poll. While I am flattered that so many people have emailed me to say they would rather read my work each week over Julia’s, I do recognize why she has – and deserves – her position. In addition to being a writer, Julia is a “personality,” a media star who commands the spotlight and rightfully gets it. I admire her for that.

I do not aspire to be such a public person; I just want to write. But I do not condemn someone who puts herself out there in order to receive attention and a following. However, if that is what it takes to be a columnist in New York, then I probably will never be one. I want people to connect with me through my words, through the thoughts that stream out of my head late at night after a shitty day of work or early in the morning when I am hungover and regretful or in the afternoon when I simply need to express my angst. (I’m not implying that such things don’t drive Julia to write. I’m just speaking for myself.)

Yes, I am happy that I won. Happy that people like my writing (especially a piece that I think didn't reflect the best of me) and want more of it. But I don’t want this experience tainted with the misunderstanding that I hate another writer or that I set out to rid someone of her gig. That is NOT the case.

If anything, this experience has taught me that people do want to hear what I have to say. And that is invaluable to me. Now I just have to find the right forum in which to say it.