Piss Off

Every once in awhile, I feel the need to bore other people with a litany of items/people/places that I can’t stand. Why? Because I no longer pay for therapy.

So here, in no particular order, are a bunch of things/people that bug the shit out of me. I hope they inspire hate in your hearts too.

1. This Shoe Style

I would rather fuck Harvey Keitel than look like Holly Hunter in The Piano. Can somebody seriously tell me why designers are recreating the shoe wardrobe of Jane Eyre? I get the suppressed male fantasy of wanting to screw a Salem witch, but this is just ridiculous. They aren’t sexy and they sure as hell don’t look comfortable. Yes, yes, I’m sure my ass will cave and buy a pair because I work at a sorority house, but I will hate myself with each step I take.

2. The Never-Ending Summer

It’s almost October and it was close to 90 degrees in NYC this week. This needs to stop. First of all, I am sick of wearing the same clothes I have been sporting for 5 months. Secondly, I don’t like to sweat unless I am in bed. Summer is cool for about 2 months and then, by July, I am sick of it. Autumn is so beautiful in New York. The leaves, the roasted nuts (seriously, if you live outside NY and have never had NUTS4NUTS, you should cry yourself to sleep tonight), and the sweaters that hide my fat stomach. I want all of these things…now.

3. Melted Butter

Ok, I’m not sure if anyone will relate to me here, but there is something happening to me each morning that blackens my heart before 9:30 AM. Each morning, I order a toasted sesame bagel with butter on the side. The FUCKING ASSHOLES put the butter in with the steaming hot bagel (not with the coffee or peaches ‘n cream shake) so by the time it gets to me, there is butter DRIPPING everywhere. I know this is a very Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm thing, but it drives me insane.


4. The Sex and The City Movie

Seriously, someone tell me why? Well, I know why…it’s because the women can’t find any steady work now and need to make money somehow. (Yes, I know SJP is the spokeswomen for, like, everything…HEY, my computer just changed “spokes whore” to “spokeswomen” - WTF - but still, she needs to prove she can still act in something.) Anyway, mark my words that this film is going to be panned and will soil whatever is left of the series’ honor. I literally grew into adulthood watching this show and it was painful to watch even back then as I kept thinking that “Wow, this is going to be my miserable life in my 30s. It will be filled with nothing but heartache, desparation and terrible clothes.” Now, I am finally hopefully (after meeting Mr. Right and getting over my Mr. Big) that my life won’t be awful during the next decade, and this movie is going to come along and shit all over how fabulous I think my 40s will be. NO THANK YOU. (And note to Jennifer Hudson: not a smart followup to an Oscar, my friend.)

5. Celebrity DUIs

Keifer Sutherland is just the latest douche driving his drunk ass around. Listen, I know that DUIs will always happen. But they are supposed to be limited to moron guidos in NJ and LI who need to learn their lessons before they even turn 21. (That’s not a good thing, but those are the only types of dickheads that have an excuse.) If you are a millionaire, you have absolutely NO EXCUSE for getting behind the wheel while intoxicated. Call a cab. No, better yet, CALL A FUCKING HUMMER. You have the money. Someone is going to die because of this carelessness and it really pisses me off.

6. The View

Why is this show still on the air? Watching The View is like being forced to sit with all the old, bitter divorcees at a wedding. All they do is piss and moan and argue about BULLSHIT. At least when Rosie was on, they debated things with substance from time to time. Now it just gives men justification for trading in their old crusty wives for something younger and quieter.

7. Celebrity Scents

Usher. Diddy. Mariah. Why do I want to smell like these people (or smell like something that attracts them)? This trend has got to stop. Your fragrance is the most personal part of your beauty/grooming routine and to stoop to this level of tackiness is just plain sad. If you like these people, invest in their music. See their movies. Don’t fall victim to marketing hype. After all, do you think that Britney has even smelled her latest fragrance? CAN she even smell anymore?

I have a ton more, but I have aggravated myself with just these seven. But, just so you don’t think I don’t hate EVERYTHING, here is a quick list of things/people I LURVE:

1. The Girls Next Door - This show does not get old to me. I love these hoes and want more! Especially Holly.
2. Puppies - Any puppy, all puppies. I love puppies! Come on, admit it, you do too.
3. QVC - Yup, I said it. AND I just bought diamond earrings from them last week. They are beautiful. And, yes, REAL. Screw you if you want to laugh. There is nothing more fabulous than being drunk on Merlot and ordering diamonds with your cellphone.
4. Pickles - Pickles just rock.
5. Blueprint Magazine - Yes, I am getting old and domestic. I like reading about home furnishings and studying recipes that I will never make.
6. Jenna Fisher - She’s Pam on The Office and she is just plain awesome. Adorable, self-deprecating and hysterical.
7. Dlisted.com - Funnier celeb gossip than Perez Hilton. HANDS DOWN.
8. Jeopardy! - Still awesome after all these years. Even if Mr. Ella is always better than me.
9. My Old College Roommate - She wrote me a very sweet email today telling me how much she enjoys my blog. Plus, she would leave the room and sleep elsewhere when I had to get my sex on during the late 90s.
10. The Color Purple - No, not the book, movie or musical. Just the color.