Emmy Schmemmy

For once, I actually WISH I had gone to my fella’s place to WATCH FOOTBALL. What was this abortion of a show I just spent hours watching? I know I usually write about sex, so I think I can get away with blogging about this because I feel like FOX just fucked me and everyone else who tuned in…

First, the LOWLIGHTS:

1. The censorship. In the past, every awards show has suffered the wrath of being live and with brass balls has aired the verbal faux pas and/or simply bleeped out just one word. But not FOX. The channel that made its mark with the sexist (albeit hysterial) Married…With Children and other wholesome family values programming like Temptation Island and Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire decided instead to fade to black and deprive the public from words and sentiments that don’t fit the conservative viewpoint of its stockholders. The cut Ray Romano, Sally Field and - I believe - David Chase off in such an insulting manner that I’m surprised they didn’t have Joely Fisher wear a burka instead of her very revealing gown. But wait…Joely stars on a FOX sitcom…so jokes about nipples and breast milk were more suitable than statements about war. I’m surprised they didn’t edit Al Gore’s entire acceptance speech. Between this and their blatant dismissal of the democratic party’s response to the President’s speech the other night has me questioning whether I will ever tune in to FOX again.

2. James SPAYDER and not James GANDOLFINI? Are you fucking kidding me? I like James Spayder. Actually, NO, I love James Spayder (Secretary is one of the best movies of all time) and I think he’s an amazing actor. But his campy performance does not even remotely measure up to the god-like work of Gandolfini's. He was robbed of this award and I can only hope that the Golden Globes redeem this fuck-up come January. What Gandolfini has done over the past whatever many years has been thought-provoking, disturbing, and, above all, moving. Not honoring him is a disservice to the medium of television.

3. America Ferrera. I’m rather biased here because I am not a fan. I’ve seen Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants and suffered through 5 minutes of the horrific Ugly Betty and do not understand why she is continually honored. My only thought - and I know this sounds terrible - is that she is being honored so that the entertainment industry can say they salute latinas and minorities in general. She does not possess the comedic gifts of those she consistently defeats for the awards. And that is not a white/non-white issue, but simply the truth.

4. The Brits. I LOVE Helen Mirren. I aspire to be as sexy as she is when I am over 50 (or is it 60). I also love Ricky Gervais. His appearance on The Tonight Show several months ago was more brilliant than most of what is on broadcast television. But, dammit, I want Americans to win during American award shows. Ok, ok, Ricky won for an HBO show, but Helen won for a show that is a true import, and not something produced in America. I’m not sure who should have won in Helen’s category because I have not seen any of those performances, but if you ask me, both Charlie Sheen (yes, I admit, I LOVE Two and a Half Men) and Steve Carrel were robbed.

5. The Westerns. I love Thomas Hayden Church and Robert Duvall. They both excel in their craft. However, honoring the western genre has to come to an end. I don’t know anyone who has seen Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee or Broken Trail. Yes, the western is a true slice of Americana, but it is a recycled genre that is in no way paving new ground on television. The stories are pretty much the same, movie after movie, and I think it’s time for a boycott. I mean, seriously, does Aiden fucking Quinn do anything but period pieces anymore?

6. The Jersey Boys Tribute to The Sopranos. To put it simply, that was the gayest tribute I could imagine. I’m sure The Jersey Boys on its own is entertaining theater, but if you really wanted to honor the greatest television show of all time, all you had to do was show highlights. Watching Carmela and Tony fight over “You’re Just Too Good To Be True” was both creepy and awkward. Thank God the entire cast came out at the end for the tribute they so deserve. (I have to ask though, was Drea DeMatteo there? I didn’t see her.)

7. Ray Romano. I admit, and I don’t care how cheesy I am, but I do enjoy watching Everybody Loves Raymond. In fact, I also like Ray Romano’s standup. However, having him come out to do a set was weird and uncomfortable. They announced he was coming out to give an award and then he kept going and going. You couldn’t help but think he was fucking up and not supposed to be continuing. But the saddest part of the whole thing was realizing he was just there to promote Patricia Heaton’s new FOX show. So FUCKING LAME.

8. Kanye West. “KANYE WEST DOESN’T CARE ABOUT SELLING OUT.” Here’s the thing - white boys, black boys, white girls, black girls, and every other shade/sex LOVES you. We are going to buy your albums because you create some of the best music around. So why, why, do you have to act like such a douche? Sure, the little “Do You Know the Lyrics?” skit was kinda cute, but only because Rainn Wilson is so fucking brilliant. Please, Kanye, just stop with the promotional bullshit. We all know you and Fitty are fucking around with this whole “selling albums war” and that you are trying to garner press by pretending to really care about an MTV award. But you don’t need to do this. Just perform. You can rest your laurels on your talents alone. And not many people can do that nowadays.

9. Mary Louise Parker. I LOVE her and I LOVE Weeds. But why was she acting like such a BITCH all night? From the red carpet to presenting an award, she looked not just stoned (which, ok, cute, is maybe in character) but annoyed to be there. Pop some Wellbutrin or something next time sweetie, because your attitude was disgusting.

10. Tony Bennett and Christina Aguliera. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. That was so friggin’ boring. Nothing really more to say. However, I do commend you, Christina, for NOT announcing your pregnancy and keeping it quiet. It’s classy to keep your private life private in this day and age.

11. Not announcing John Goodman’s win. YES, JOHN GOODMAN won for his guest appearance on Studio 700 (or whatever) on the Sunset Strip. However, they FORGOT to announce it during the telecast. If you know ella personally, you know that her favorite show of all time is Roseanne. So I absolutely ADORE John Goodman and am so happy that he finally won an Emmy. (Honestly, he never won for all his years playing Dan Connor [although he did win a Golden Globe].) It’s a shame they didn’t announce his win just because he wasn’t there.

12. The Amazing Race. Come the fuck on. 4 years in a row this bullshit show has won. Please raise your hand if you watch it. I know NO ONE (except my douchebag ex-boyfriend) who watches this. Why do they keep awarding it??? WHY????

The HIGHS
1. Tina Fey. Tina Fey. Tina Fey. First of all, her AMEX commercials are hysterical. Her acceptance speech - pure brilliance. Only recently (thanks to mr. Ella) have I been tuning into the comical work of art that is 30 Rock. It is genius and it is all thanks to this WOMAN. As a person with a vagina that has always dreamt of being a comic, she inspires me.

2. The Macy*s Commercials. I have to say, I usually change the channel when commercials come on, but the Macy*s commerial (the full-length one) after the first break held my attention. Kimora. Martha. Donald. Jessica. Emeril. Etc. It was funny, entertaining, and pretty fucking brilliant. I still won’t be shopping at Macy*s (I’m too pretentious) but that spot is what commercial advertising is supposed to be.

3. Ryan Seacrest. I’ll be the first to admit that I can’t really stand this little ‘mo. I think it’s just because I wish he would come out already (although his little Tudors sketch seemed like a bit of a homo confession to me), but I have to say, I think he did an amazing job as host. He was pretty fucking funny and by being a bit self-effacing, I thought he shut up all the critics (including myself) who shook their heads when he was given the job. I actually think that by NOT trying to be the star of the show he was one of the best hosts they have had in a long time. He pretty much cemented himself as a cultural icon tonight by being a cultural observer. Kudos.

4. The Opening Number. Just hysterical. Anything Seth MacFarlane does is genius and this was no exception. It was entertaining, it was funny and it set the tone for the night. While I don’t agree that the tone should have been as trashy and FOX-like as was, it was very, very funny and I think it was one of the better parts of the evening.

5. Jeremy Piven. Ok, I think Rainn Wilson shoulda won because he is truly the most brilliant comedic actor on television since Jason Alexander. However, I love me some Jeremy Piven…in all his trashy glory. And, if Rainn had to lose to anyone, it should be to Jeremy.

6. Elaine Stritch and Stanley Tucci. Two of my favorite comedic performers of all time on one stage. Just fucking fabulous. I absolutely ADORE Elaine Stritch and think everyone should take as much advantage of her as they can as she enters old age. She is irreverent, inappropriate, and just plain god-like. As for Stanley, he was not only the best part of The Devil Wears Prada, but is a friend of mr. Ella’s. So he deserves all the accolades he gets…even if they are on Monk.

7. Katherine Hiegl’s correction of her name. I’m not a huge fan of Katherine’s but that’s just because I can’t watch the shitfest that is Grey’s Anatomy. I’m sure I will love her more as soon as I see Knocked Up. However, I noticed that they mispronounced her name and then saw that she mouthed (to whoever she presented with) “they said my name wrong.” I didn’t think she would do anything about it, but when she got up there and brazenly said, “it’s ‘HI-GUL”,” I thought it was fabulous. Ella has a last name that is near-impossible as well (in fact, mr. Ella struggles to say it right…haha), so I really appreciated her move.

8. The Sopranos win. THANK GOD. James Gandolfini, Edie Falco, Lorraine Bracco, and Michael Imperioli were fucking ROBBED of their respective awards. But thank god the academy awarded this show with exactly what it deserved. It still makes me sad to think I will never see another new episode of The Sopranos again. Every moment of every episode of that show was like good sex/good blow/good food. It was like a weekly extension of Goodfellas - the BEST MOVIE EVER MADE - and I hate that it is now off the air. However, I have recently found that going back and watching any old episode is like a gift being re-given all over again. When you know what is going to happen to so many of the characters, you care even more. That’s what makes the show so relevant, so important and so everlasting. Each time you watch an episode, you learn something new, feel something new, and gain something new. It’s not TV, it’s not HBO, it’s as close to live back-in-the-day Shakespeare as we will ever get.

9. Heidi Klum and Seal. Rather than closing on The Sopranos, I thought I would end on the most beautiful couple in all of Hollywood. I swear that whenever I see these two, my belief in true and everlasting love is reaffirmed. No matter where they are or what they are doing, they always look like honeymooners. They cannot keep their hands or gazes off one another and you cannot help but feel the love between them. It’s so raw, real, and moving that it overshadows most anything else broadcast. I absolutely live for seeing these two together and, at the end of a night with many a disappointment, they shine and blind you with what’s really important…not an Emmy, not an acceptance speech but LOVE.