If you want to be a good significant other, date someone of your same sex. I know, I know, this is impossible for most of the men out there but, honestly, I’m not saying to go get a hook hand and a parrot and go play pirate - just go to dinner with another man and then watch how he reacts. Let’s rewind…
I had always been curious about other women. In fact, I remember fantasizing about a girl named Elizabeth (I think I mentioned this before) way back in the 5th grade. But, I was knee-deep in Catholic school at the time and found myself praying to God I wasn’t gay.
In college my good friend R. and I used to give one another massages every night and this eventually led to us gently stroking one another’s breasts. It really wasn’t a sexual thing (I know it wasn‘t for her), but it turned me on immensely.
I finally got the balls (not literally, but rather figuratively) to meet a woman about three years ago. Her name was Jenny. We met online and agreed to go out for some drinks and dancing. She was stunning. Gorgeous. Just beautiful. Jenny was bi-sexual but had decided to swear off men for awhile after a hetero relationship had turned very sour. I swore to her that I was just interested in hanging out and hooking up - nothing else.
The first night we spent together was incredible. I don’t know if I’ve ever been turned on in quite the same way before or since. It was a combination of deep-seeded desire, taboo, alcohol and a ton of cocaine. We did everything - I mean everything - two girls can do. And then I woke up the next day to find her spooning me and running her fingers through my hair. My hangover was a bitch, but so was this. I wanted her to go - I didn’t want to face the reality of actually having another woman in bed with me, naked. But she insisted we go to brunch, and so we did.
It was awkward. I felt myself playing the role of every man I had ever dragged out to brunch the morning after drunk/high/random sex and instantly understood why they never called me again. Once we finished eating (breakfast!) and she was getting into a cab, she grabbed me and kissed me right on the street. I felt like everyone I had ever known was probably watching and judging. But I didn’t want to be rude and so I kissed back.
A few days later she called and asked me if I wanted to get together and go to a museum. In other words, go ON A DATE. I flipped my shit. I had been so honest with her from the beginning - just fun and just sex, nothing else. And then it dawned on me - women don’t listen. We hear what we want to hear and believe we can change the world and everyone in it. It’s thinking that way that gets us hurt.
So I said no. Fumbled to come up with an excuse, but she saw right through it. She got pissed. Eventually, I convinced her (via that familiar way I had, myself, fallen for many times over) to get together again for an evening of drinking, drugs and sex. The next morning she asked me again if I would go out with her (this time to a movie I believe). Again I said no. And again she got pissed. She looked at me as I had looked at so many men before - with that same look of disbelief, anger and confusion. But most importantly she looked at me with a bit of disgust - as though I had used her for sex and couldn’t understand why she wanted more. It was like holding up a mirror. She never took my calls again.
I thought perhaps this was a fluke and that I had just met a pseudo-lesbian who really thought I was lying when I said I wasn’t gay. But then I tested this same situation twice more. And both times, after being completely upfront and honest about what I wanted and what I was capable of (just sex, nothing more), the women acted and re-acted just the same.
The moral of this story is that people - men especially - really are honest in the beginning. If he says he doesn’t want a relationship, you'll never be his girlfriend. If he tells you he never wants to get married, then don’t chase the ring. If he swears he never wants children, then you better keep taking your pill.
Being with these women prevented me from attempting to get into many a relationship over the last several years. Sure, I’ve still been hurt and rejected in many ways, but never can I say that I didn’t see it coming. Denial is the greatest enemy when it comes to dating. But it's when you are ready to listen, really ready to accept what someone else has to say, that you just might finally find what you’ve been waiting to hear. After all, I just did.
27 comments:
"knee-deep in Catholic school"
{chuckle}
Interesting. I never thought of it that way before but that scenario totally makes sense.
I don't think it'd work for a straight guy in the same way. In your case, the other half got clingy on you. With two guys involved, I think that'd be much less likely to happen ... our usual sin is hit and run, remember?
It's interesting that society gives so much more leeway for women to try this kind of thing out. Very few guys would talk about experimentation with the other team. I wonder if, deep down, it's because women are seen essentially as the sexual playthings of men, and anything they do to broaden their horizons will eventually benefit us, anyway, so who cares?
Ella... BRILLIANT. This is the best perspective on the male brain I have ever come across. I feel so much wiser now that I've read about these experiences. Thank you!
~Irish
Sinner.
-JK
HOT
wow - I know excactly what you mean.
There's something fishy about this.
It's so true that women hear what they want to hear. Why, just the other day this girl was going on and on while I was telling her about this new CD I got. She wouldn't shut up about the damned child support payments. ;+)
very, very good little ella. great insights into the male and female mind. thanks for being so open and honest.
TESTIFY!
The only thing worse about women not listening is when they do listen.
you and Irish have inspired me to tell my lezperience stories...
thanks for yours! Well told :)
-J
This story of yours will do for lesbian action what Sisqo did for thongs.
you are not giving up on Lezzies are you?
We are good people. I swear.
The only thing about butch lesbians is that sometimes they look like cute boys. And as a gay man, when I see a butch lesbian thinking it's a cute boy then realize it's a girl, I start to wonder if I am in fact attracted to women then. It is so confusing.
chad - hehe. yeah, you got that one...
sally - i try to keep it interesting.
grub - your comments are always like the "not likely" flips on a magic 8-ball
irish - "male brain" - what an oxymoron....haha
JK - oh please, i've seen you SIN. live, in person.
anony - yeah, thanks. it was all about being HOT. (?)
christine - share.
anony 2 - clever. but i don't eat fish. of any kind.
haha - what? i didn't hear anything you just said.
cajun - why thank you. but everyone is honest. too honest.
patrick - more women SHOULD listen to you.
jew - your lezzy experiences failed to turn me on. try again. j/k
eric - the inventor of the thong is a masochist AND a genius.
a-n-n-e - i never "gave up" on lezzies. just wanted them to understand i am not one.
anony 3 - yes. which explains why most of us thought K.D. Lang was so fucking hot in the early 90s.
This post has been hanging on me for a few days now - As a metero hetero, my fear is wearing gay as fashion. Does that not offend?
I wear gay pretty well - without confusion - but I don't trust most staright men to do the same.
andrew - you "wear" gay?
as in pink shirts and shit? not sure i know what you mean. but any man who embraces any aspect of "gay" is a few steps ahead of the rest of the hetero pack.
Ha Ha. Well maybe one pink Nautica sailed into my closet. By “wearing gay” I was referring more to conversational posturing, ballet class on Thursday and my obsession with core fusion. Not that those activities are gay. They’re obviously not. But it’s a step in the right direction.
Where's the latest Ella post? We need new Ella material. ;+)
BTW, don't forget to link to me, yo.
haha - sorry. i know. i've been kinda, um, distracted.
Shit, I haven't been distracted in two weeks.
Fantastic. Just wish you'd posted this 17 years ago.
I loved reading that, if only to know I'm not alone. I've recently done the same thing as youself, but I went I bit further than necessary. I actually had a relationship with her, a full blown love affair. We flirted for months, then slept together, then I fell a bit madly in love, and then I couldn't take it anymore. She was a full blown lesbian, and I realized I wasn't.
But the things I learned from being with my own kind was priceless. I too understood why and how women can get so clingy and annoying. I was the man in the relationship and saw everything that women do to men, from a male perspective. Highly enlightening.
Hmmm. This post gives me courage to pursue my own secret desires.
jj - i did, but it was typed on a word processor and posted on corkboard.
wren - you should write more about that. all women can benefit from such insight.
the bee - do it. do them all. i've done some pretty fucked up shit all in the hopes of NEVER waking up at the age of 40+ regretting i missed out.
I totally know what you mean here I specifically stated that I didnt want a relationship but she insisited that our frequent sex was the equivalent sigh lesbians
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