Ask Ella...And Ella Shall Answer, Volume One

"dear ella,
i should just let you know how i came across your blog. i was reading all the comments for the maggie gyllenhaal-breastfeeding-in-public-oh-my-god-what-has-the-world-come-to debacle on gawker, and was impressed by your ability to type an entire message, free of typos and bad punctuation, simply with the use of your angry nipples. thus far, my angry nipples only serve to tug at my clothing and cause discomfort. but to TYPE? needless to say, you serve as somewhat of an inspiration.
i am a 22 year old girl, living in sydney, studying law. and i would love to take this opportunity to ask a smart, funny, nice, objective stranger about a problem in my life, regarding my sister.
my sister is one year younger then me. she is gorgeous. by gorgeous, i mean beautiful...strangers feel the need to comment on her beauty, to treat her extra nice everywhere, give her free stuff, give her free entry, let her jump the line, interrupt her at dinner with her boyfriend to tell her that she has made their week because she is so beautiful. indeed she is. 5'7, a natural d cup, leggy and gorgeous, a face with big hazel eyes and naturally pouty naturally red lips, gorgeous skin and cheekbones. when i am with her, i feel disgusting. now, in order to be fair, i should add: that alot of people have told me i am gorgeous, that my face is equally/more gorgeous than my sisters, but that she attracts attention because she has The Look- tanned, tall, big boobs, dressed to kill, wears those big sunglasses etc. whereas I, at 5'3, with smaller boobs and a pear shape, attract less of that attention, turn less heads, and am more 'subtle' in my looks etc....in fact, i've had people rant about my gorgeousness. i am coming off sounding vain in the extreme. but i feel like absolute shit... what makes it all worse is that my sister has NO IDEA she is gorgeous. she thinks it's all her boobs. she gets treated like a freaking celebrity and doesn't even notice…
i have low self esteem, basically. i feel okay until i see a hot girl. then i'm like: i can never be her. how easy life must be for her. and please dont give me the schtick about it's what's inside that counts. i wish it were the case but sadly, it aint. my problems have nearly torn me and my boyfriend apart. he thinks im absolutely gorgeous, and i say thats because he is my boyfriend and in love with me. he says he has the ability to be completely objective as ive trained him to be. he says he can no longer compliment me without thinking "am i saying this as her bf or as an objective bystander". it is true that i dont care much for his subjective opinion. every guy thinks his girl is gorgeous. doesnt mean she is. he is sick of me dismissing him as though he is a retard. he always says he as high standards, has eyes in his head, and knows how i look. when i have bad days, i ask him how i look (btw i ask him this daily. "so how did i look today?") he will say "very pretty, not gorgeous". but i find that hard to believe. on bad days i think i look plain and unattractive, not 'very pretty'…i would just like to know exactly what you think. anyway, sorry for taking up 10 minutes of your time you will never get back. feel free to reply with angry nipples"



Ella is too busy to reply to this post but she sends her deepest regards “down under.” Hell, she always does. She has the dislocated jaw to prove it. So instead, she has sent us - her angry nipples - to answer you query.

First of all, we understand your situation completely. See, one night, all three of us (ella included, obviously) went out for her birthday with her friend K. and K.’s boyfriend, S. After bottles upon bottles of liquor and quite a few grams of talcum powder, we all ended up at S.’s apartment. Before we knew it, we were out in all our glory for what was turning out to be quite the fun threesome. Now, you should know that we’ve received countless, countless compliments - on both our perkiness and our hue - and have never felt inadequate to say the least. However, when we sat, side by side next to K., we suddenly felt less than beautiful because K.’s counterparts sat upon bigger pillows and were a prettier shade of pink.

S.’s reaction to us (much like your boyfriend’s reaction to your physical appearance) should have made us feel better about ourselves, but it didn’t matter. Our confidence was deflated and we retreated (literally). Fortunately, K. freaked out at the sight of her boyfriend anywhere near us and called the whole thing off.

Now, more fortunately for us is that K. is not in the room when we come out to play (although I’m sure men would enjoy that). So we don’t have to deal with such feelings of inadequacy as much as you. In fact, we tend to only feel a few things - pleasure and the cold. It’s a pretty good deal - well, until we have to keep a human being alive someday.

I guess our advice to you is this: what’s done is done. The DNA chips have fallen where they may and the fact is you’re a bit shorter, a bit more curvy (perhaps in places you wish you weren’t) and maybe less symmetrical than your sister (whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean). But you hardly sound hideous. You’re not Gisele’s unattractive twin (yes, it’s true, she has one) or Wynonna Judd (shit, imagine having Ashley as a sister when you look like a walking mountain?) You sound beautiful and intelligent (hell, you turned to us for advice so we know this is true). Plus, it seems as though you have a boyfriend who really loves you and is very much attracted to you. So stop making it hard for him to compliment you. Imagine if every time you told him how hot he is, he just shrugged his shoulders and looked away. You’d start to think - wow, what does he see that I don’t?

So stop caring and start focusing on the features that you know are beautiful and that you love. If that doesn't work, you can always make the wisest choice of all - move to New York City. A smart Aussie is a dozen a dime here - and you would turn heads with your accent alone. Everything else beautiful about you would just be icing on the cake.

G’day,
ella’s nipples