It came in the mail today. April 28, 2007 will be my ten year high school reunion.
FUCK.
This means I have just over one month to:
1. Lose 15 pounds.
2. Publish my first novel.
3. Stop biting my nails so I can have actual fingernails again (hey, I went to high school in the Bronx, where fabulous nails are a necessity).
4. Meet and marry my future husband.
5. Buy and furnish a home in Westchester County, New York.
6. Have 1.5 children.
7. Find the perfect outfit in which to show off my now-D cup breasts (they were Bs in high school, and, ok, sure, it’s an all girls school but that just makes everything all the more competitive).
8. Win an impressive award of some kind.
9. Sleep with a celebrity (because you always want to be able to tell THAT kind of story).
10. Re-remember everyone’s names in my graduating class.
Ok, in all seriousness I really just have one thing to do:
Come up with the perfect explanation for why I have accomplished none of the above.
19 comments:
I'm so glad yr a nail biter... i thought i was the only one left in america. cheers. luckily i have 3 years to cure the prob.
GOOD LUCK!
Dude, you got gold starred this weekend. You're going to be the coolest person at your reunion. Trust me, the three-times-divorced fat and balding accountants are going to be in awe.
Your post just made me realize that my ten year high school reunion is next year. And now I can't stop crying and drinking.
Of course, that's what I do on the weekends anyway, but still...
Well, best of luck to ya! Remember, if all else fails, lie your ass off.
Your post just made ME realize that my ten year high school reunion was, well, TEN years ago.
Gulp.
My 20 is next year. You suffer the same fears as everybody else, so as far as I'm concerned it's an even playing field. One thing I do know is that you might think you're a loser for not accomplishing everything you wanted, but comparatively you will feel like Miss A-fucking-merica when you see what rolls up at the reunion. Divorces. Serious paunch. Baldness. Blandness. Housewives with nothing to say (not that they ever did). Your carefree single life will seem like Valhalla to these people. Trust me.
Ur fabulous, don't change a think :)
except the nails thing. Seriously, i'm working on it too.
-J
I think you should go around your renuion telling people..."THIS YEAR, I hope to finally graduate. Being in Mrs. Snyder's english class for ten years sucks. But on the plus side, Friday's changed from Pizza to Brunch for Lunch...and I do love my brunch for lunch. Anyway, what are you up to?"
A thing or a think. Don't change either.
500 an hour and I'm all yours. I'll swear we live in Bedford, summer in the Hamptons and I have whatever job you want me to. Hell, I'll even get someone to photoshop a picture of us and 2.5 kids.
Or, you know, we could work something out in trade.
@Sam - oh my god, that would be so priceless. Come to your 10 year with Sam and tell a bunch of lies about what you do/been doing, then 5/10 years later contradict your old stories completely ("What? I never said that") and show up with another guy. Gaslight 'em.
When did this turn into a giant, gay support group?
I guess I didn't get the memo.
And, yes, I'm posting anonymously.
moo-ha-ha
1. I don't think losing 15 pounds is a necessity as all you have to do is spend most of your time standing next to "that girl" who gained at least 75 lbs since everyone last saw her. You're instantly 10 lbs slimmer.
2. Who needs a novel when you have a blog?
3. Tabasco sauce and/or vinegar is your friend. When you're sitting in front of the TV or whatever, put some on your fingertips. You'll quit biting your nails guaranteed.
4. As for a husband, I hear they have wonderful things on the Internets these days: Rent A Husband.com
5. I've got nothing for you there.
6. Like I said, they have wonderful things on the Internets these days: Rent A Kid.net. Thanks Al Gore!
7. Well the perfect outfit to show off your breasts is the "bra as a top" look popularized by Sue Ellen Mishke the O Henry candy bar heiress.
8. I believe this would qualify as an award. Impressive? Well, that's subjective now isn't it?
9. You should sleep with Screech from Saved By The Bell. It would be believable and totally attainable ... because Screech needs love, right?
10. Yearbook!
I'm undercutting Sam. I'll do it for 400 an hour. Plus then you know there'll be sex.
Oh who are we kidding, it's you. You're getting laid with whoever you take.
Slut.
irish/jew (?) - why three years??
haha - is that what you call gold starred?
clinton - "crying and drinking"? much in common.
cheese-whiz - yeah, but being your 20s sucks. you win.
sally - i hope no one is bald. it was an all girls school...hahah...actually that would be amazing.
anony - i know who you are. and i am going to blow your cover. hahah
sam - would love to take you up on the offer but your blog is set to private. are you a troll? i kinda like trolls...
sally (again) - i actually accompanied someone to his h.s. reunion as his "scientology advisor" - talk about scaring the SHIT out of people.
anony - "moo-ha-ha" so you're fat? awww, let it out honey.
hoosier joe - i love you. i will rent you. best contribution ever to my 'lil ol' blog. you will get the memo with the naked pic of me as the attachment.
la guy - you'll make a punchline to get out of paying for anything, won't you? xoxo
That was irish, i'm confused about the three years thing too. I would ask her but she drank wine that our roommate forced on her, and then she passed out on her face.
-J
"I once sucked a cock thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig," is all the excuse you need.
I get to go to my five next year (I know, I'm like, a child), where I get to tell everyone who I went to boarding school with that I dropped out of college after a year and half. And that I once sucked a cock "thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig."*
They'll have their degrees, but I'll have my pride, my confidence, the quiet superiority of knowing I'm smarter than they are, and my total lack of gag reflex.*
*(Except I'm a prude with a horrid gag reflex. But then again, it is a high school reunion; lying's expected.)
i agree wholeheartedly with sally...being the single girl in the city at your reunion will make you 100 times more interesting than anyone there.
if you need a hot date, i know a strapping, handsome 6'5'' cajun who may be available.
jew - there is a third roommate? DO TELL! you guys are like fucking ellis island.
pip - yeah, but i told THOSE stories in high school.
cajun - strapping? 6'5"? expect an email from me any minute.
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